I was born during a hurricane. My mama was a mountain lion and my daddy was a grizzly bear. I came out backwards with my eyes open and they knew I was going to be a prophet. I can drink more whiskey and chew more tobacco than any man alive. I once ate a whole cow.
I was on ARAPNET; I soldered together two tin cans, a transistor from a radio, and four feet of fishing leaders, then made an anarchie search on a Tandy 1000. Before there was digital porn I used to grok images translated from the Sears catalog into machine code. I know moar than you. I was bolo champion of my office, I played Daleks on the first MacIntoshes, I orc rushed your village in the original Warcraft, I solved Myst in, like, four minutes, I crashed your fleet in O-game, I bullied you in Kingdom’s Live on a prototype iPhone, I wrote “My dick is made of cheddar cheese” in daffodils on Farmville while you were still trying to meet people at the farmer’s market. I am, you see, a romping, stomping, 230 pound, Internet tough guy. A mouth breathing, window-licking, you-don’t-want-to-see-my-real-picture-but-I-want-to-see-yours, uber troll.
I was the mayor of LiveJournal.
I am the Tribune of Medium.
Nowadays I can usually be found commenting on the GoComics boards. I know, it doesn’t sound like much, but that which we are, we are.